Video games are great fun and quite violent, and that got me thinking. How many people have I killed in my life (on screen now, not in real life)? And that made me wonder what I would ever do with a dead body if I had one that needed disposing of. Well, hopefully no one will ever have to use this list, but here are the top 10 places you could get rid of a corpse.
1. In the freezer – This would be particularly easy if you have a chest freezer handy. Not only is it convenient, but it prevents spoilage (as long as your electricity doesn’t go out for any amount of time) and the body will never be found, as long as the kids don’t go looking for a popsicle and find a corpsicle.
2. Use an incinerator – This could be somewhat difficult to locate, but if there is a crematorium nearby, then you are going to have to pull an Ocean’s 14 to get the body in there and get the job done. Otherwise, build a bonfire and throw in a bunch of old tires and hope for the best.
3. In a vat of acid – Now this can be highly effective because I assume all evidence is removed rather quickly if you use hydrochloric or sulfuric acid. If you don’t have access to a vat of acid, try Coca Cola, but be prepared to wait several months and don’t try to keep the soda.
4. Any swamp in Louisiana – This makes sense because of the sheer number of bodies stashed in these forested wetlands. Besides, if the swamp isn’t enough to hide them, the alligators fighting over that last leg will be enough to eliminate any evidence.
5. Under the floor of your living room – This could be an option if you don’t plan on moving and your home doesn’t have a concrete slab. However, I would think if you live in a Hurricane stricken area this may not be the best idea because the home could be removed from your property, thus exposing the dead body. But then again, if the home is removed, so will the said body and then you can blame the death on the hurricane.
6. Under water – This easily removes the body from sight, but make sure you use adequate weight to keep the body down. Otherwise, after a couple of days, rot-gases will develop and cause the body to surface like a bobber. Not sure how much weight one would need, but a rule of thumb I just made up would be to use the same amount of weight as the corpse.
7. In a dump / landfill – This could be as easy as placing your corpse in a good ole Hefty bag and placing it by the curb. Of course, if you’re a real sicko, you could dismember the body and put random parts in different commercial dumpsters throughout the city or just throw it away piece by piece from the convenience of your home.
8. In pet food – This requires getting the body into a commercial pet food production facility. Not only is this difficult, it could cause problems further down the line. If we are what we eat, then do you really want your pet eating the person you just offed. Yeah?
9. In space – This take’s the term “final frontier” to a whole other level. To get the corpse into space, the easiest way would probably be to secure the body between the fuel tanks of the space shuttle prior to launch. Now remember, this is the “easiest” way.
10. As the host of Larry King Live – This is a no-brainer. Just put a gray-haired wig on the body and stick it in Larry’s seat. The corpse may be slightly more lively and probably look better, but I doubt anyone will detect a noticeable change.